So this last week has brought a bunch of good things my way. My brother found me a car for $1000, which is in our budget and I bought it. Jesse very likely will be working by the end of the month. Jesse and I are in a better place now that the stress is starting to lift. It makes me feel tons better knowing that another income will be shortly arriving and that will help us in the long run.

The stressors: This month is tight and due to Kinko’s appealing the unemployment granted to Jesse, we haven’t gotten a single check from them in over a month. That is money out of our mouths because they don’t want to pay him $900 a month.  So now we are waiting on a hearing date so Jesse can appear and state his case for a final decision. If the EDD sides with him, Kinko’s will owe him back payments for all of the weeks he didn’t receive the unemployment benefits. I think it is total bull shit that they are doing this, after all the time and energy he put into that company the least they can do is give him unemployment. I have lost all respect for that company and all of their employees. They ruin one family’s life just so they can avoid a lawsuit, because in their opinion firing someone is less of a dent in their pocketbooks.

Closing my eyes I listen

To the sounds of the world

To songs in my heart

To the conflict in my mind

The wisdom of my soul

A plethora of activity

Blinded only of light

Yet I can still see clearly

The faces of the ones

I love and admire

Who haunt me

My inner monologue

This is the story,

Of the father who never was there,

Memories of screaming,

Of drunken stupor in the air.

Of crying,

Of fear,

Of taking away the innocence of a child.

The stories I’ve been told,

Too little to recall them,

Too little for the memories to hold.

He still is my father,

Half of me I can’t deny

I tired to forget him,

But he still hides somewhere,

In the closet of my mind.

In a dream he came to me,

Haven’t thought once about him in over 3 years,

Something telling me to find him,

Something telling me to face my fears.

I found him,

I know where he is,

I found him,

Please don’t let this be a mistake.

Now I am not saying I have a gift by all means, but dreams are the key to our unconscious and if it is a dream you wake up from with a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach, then it is one to pay attention too.

Two days ago I had another one of those dreams. If was fairly simple. I was in a store looking at things and shopping with my mom. I turned a corner and bumped into a man.  Looking up I saw his face and startled I backed up.  The man was my father. He was nicely dressed, clean cut and short hair.  He said hey there Danielle, and I froze. My mom walked around the corner and saw me, and then him. He said “hi Michael” and he told her that she looked wonderful. That is all I recall about that dream.  When I woke up I couldn’t shake this feeling about him.  I looked him up on the sex offender registry, and it showed him having a physical address.  The last few times I checked, average every 6 months for the last 3 years, he had been listed as a transient. I took this as a sign and decided to see if I could locate him. It turns out the address is for a Salvation Army facility.  I called them and was able to confirm that he is still there, and left my name and # with a nice man there. I can only hope that the message will reach him and he finds it in his heart to call me back. I want to see him, and to make sure he is ok.  If he wants, I would love to take Kaylen to meet him. I placed the ball in his court and it is up to him to contact me if he really wants to. He has my number. I just hope I am not making a mistake.

The previous post was strictly me stating a pet peeve. And no point did I want that person to think I do not like them… it is not them I do not care for rather the actions they took.  I do not like feeling like a prize to be won, I want to be held in regards, respected…. Seriously would you go and say something to one of your girl friends’ friends, whom you just found out was a friend of theirs as well, about having sex with them right after you did it? Come on, you do not know what kind of relationship I have with my friend, and therefore don’t assume they want to hear from you about banging a friend of theirs. That is low and very juvenile. Once again this is not me saying I do not like this person, I just do not approve of their actions and there for are put off by it.

So I debated writing about this here but I figured why have a soap box if I am not going to use it as such…. I had a wonderful date Saturday. I went out to eat at a nice Italian restaurant, and spent the evening with a wonderful man. It was a perfect date in my book, until I started to feel sick. I still feel ill and really would rather be home right now, pondering leaving my place of employ for the remainder of the day. Anyway after our wonderful night I was abruptly brought back into reality when he decided, after finding out one of my Real Life friends was online and on his friend’s lists (for Second Life), that he was going to brag about the time he had with me and what we did. I kept telling him to knock it off and don’t type that, but I guess he felt it was amusing, or he was just happy or something. Not thinking any more about it, I decided to leave him to his internet brag and went back to bed, remember not feeling well.

Well then last night I got an IM from my friend asking me “did I enjoy myself ::wink::” I am like wha??? What that fuck… well he sent me a copy of his conversation, which was simple and too the point, from last night, however I really didn’t expect my date to do that. I really thought he was just being a butt head and picking on me about the whole thing, and really didn’t think he actually wrote to my friend that” we had lots of sex” like he was bragging like teen would to his buddies after sacking a girl. I mean I did have a wonderful time, but after that I am rethinking what I want from this relationship. This served as a red flag. I am going to have to keep an eye out because I don’t like that this happened and I do not want it to happen again.

He is a great guy but right now I just am not sure what I should be doing, if I am over reacting, if I am really this naive…. Seriously.

So this is how it goes…. I throw myself into relationships in hopes of finding the one I can truly love.  Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love and adore Jesse, he is always going to be my #1, but I can be in love with more then one person right? Yesterday I went on to a website called http://www.polymatchmaker.com/ (Poly match Maker) I made a free profile there. I haven’t messed around much with it yet but I thought It would be fun to try to see who, if anyone, was local and listed there that matched what I was looking for. I think I will probably poke around more there this weekend to see what the free membership has to offer. Meanwhile I have decided to give Poly Guy another try.  If all things go as planned, we are going on an actual “date” tomorrow night. I am still a little worried but at the same time, I trust him and trust in myself enough to know when to walk away. I care for him and adore his family, I want him to be a part of my life. So tomorrow night, I want to start new.

Hey look everyone.... My car can pee!!!!!


This picture was taken 04/22/08... and now you all know why I need a new car.


By the way... still haven't found anything.

I am going with my mom to look at a car after work.... please, oh please.... don't be a lemon, don't be a stolen car, and please, please, please.... negociate for a slightly lower price.... must get wheels....!!!

Well now this last temp fix, has come undone and I am at a loss for ideas other then buying another car to ease my pain a little. I am trying to do this on my own, but I really feel I need my brother to help me.  He is just very reluctant to assist me, and its understood beings that he is trying to get things finalized for his wedding in a month and a ½. But he tols me if I even needed to buy a car from a private seler to take him with me, he is an ASC certified Mechanic and wanted to make sure I don’t get screwed. But he has no time for me and this, and has been snuffing my pleas for help off and I am feeling hurt about the whole thing. 

On top of that I still have to get stuff to take care of as well for my brothers wedding (like my dress getting altered) and if Jesse is part of the groomsmen then it might be a good idea to let him know what the hell he should be doing too… but with a *borked* car it is hard for me to get him to where he needs to go to get fitted. I hate that this is happening to us and I need a fit a.s.a.p. or else I don’t know what else we are to do. I just feel so helpless and lost.

My world has fallen apart around me and I keep trying to be the strong one but it is very hard to find a direction when I feel upside down and inside out. I know we will be ok as long as I keep listening to the teeny tiny voice in my head telling me “there is something good that will come from all of this”.

All of these came to me after Saturday, after my 5 year wedding anniversary. Not because of this day, not at all, this day was wonderful. I had a nice dinner with my one true love. We caught a movie for the first time together since before Kaylen was born. It was amazing. I love him and often wonder why he loves me in return, all of this crap I have put him through… all of this emotional stress I carry with me. Through it all he is still there. He has been there when I was the most scared, the day our daughter was brought into this world. He held my hand. He told me I was doing great. He woke me up every 10 minutes to remind me to hit the morphine drip… giggles. He has seen me at my worse.

All of this… and he is still with me.

But even though I have this and know this, part of me still feels like all that other stuff.

So I am trying to get back into the swing of journaling, I do realize that the last few postings have been very obscure poetic rants/musings and therefore I am presenting to you something with a little more substance, other then non rhyming fragments of emotions puked from my brain (thinks I painted a semi grotesque but appropriated picture there).

One thing I know I have sort of left unfinished is the old house. Yes we are still working on trying to short sale it, but this week we received not one, but 5 notices letting us know that the house was set to be sold at an auction at the end of the month.  It is bad enough that they locked us out of it without any notice, now this. I will so be happy once the house is either sold at auction or, someone buys it from our short sale attempt. I was hoping that all of this would be behind us by now but I guess this is the gods testing me again. I can’t stand that I am not able to walk away and try to rebuild my life again, try to make things better for my family.

Jesse is still not working but with lack of transport and maybe even a little motivation, finding a job right now is proving to be harder then it really should be. But if I know him, which I should after 10 years, he is not going to give up and we will get through this somehow.

Ex-poly guy still hasn’t talked to me since the big blow up. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how he is, how his family is, or even if he is thinking about me. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I just wanted him to know I was concerned for him and his family, and because he got me at a bad very high stressed time, I blew up on him, like word vomit. I didn’t mean it to come out like an attack on him, I am the poster child for “no one is perfect”, but part of me wishes I could take it back.  I want to see him and at least see if anything is still there, but he has been avoiding me like the plague so I figured he hates me. Hell sometimes I even hate myself. Well this week I got a surprising email, it was from my facebook account asking me for and add request…. Its ex-poly guy…. Now I am confused because he must know I miss him and part of me thinks I do cross his mind once in a blue moon… I guess I wont push anything right now, If it was meant to be, well you know how it goes.

Now to the “what has Danielle writing such a depressing poem about kids” part of this blog. Well, this week I was very bummed because I learned that a little guy, the son of a friend of my mom’s has been ill. He has Fanconi Anemia and his blood counts have been very low… He is doing ok for now, but really his only hope for a healthy recovery is a bone marrow transplant, which is an option his mom is looking into at this point. This whole situation has me looking at my own daughter and wondering how I could I ever survive what this poor mom is going through, and realizing I couldn’t if I was in her shoes. In my mind I can just see this poor woman crying herself to sleep at night behind closed doors so Jeffery can’t hear her sobs or see her tears. It just breaks my heart. If you believe in the power of good thoughts or prayers can you send some their way… for little Jeffery and his mom Tammy… please? You don’t have to believe in a god or goddess to thinks good thoughts so (and yes you know who you are J).

On that sad note, let me end with…

In this world,

In this place we call home,

How can this be?

How come the lives,

Of the little,

Of the helpless,

Of pure innocence,

Be taken from here?

Who can validate this thought?

Where is it written that the weak die?

Before their voices can legally be heard?

Why is it that some Joe Blow…

Spends the rest of his life SAFE behind cement walls and iron bars,

For the rest of his life,

Labeled a criminal,

But still gets to live.

But a little baby… a child…

Will never get to see his first day of big kids’ school.

Where does this make sense?

Why is ok for a mother to cry herself to sleep at night

Knowing the only place she can now hold her son

Is in her heart…???

Where in the fucked world,

Does this seem right?

Someone please answer me this….

Please…

Please…

            Please…

Lessons to learn

Are the one’s that break the heart

They rip your soul to shreds

And your just left with the pieces to sift through

Trying to place them in the correct order

Gluing them back together

With only your tears…

These burn images in your brain

The thoughts of what if

Of what should have been

Of what resulted

Of the pain I caused

Of the pain he caused

An eye for an eye does leave the blamer blind.

I don’t blame anyone but myself.

So I am blind to the facts,

Never physically abused,

But mentally beaten down…

These are my habits,

My human tendencies

Why can’t you just love me for me

What is it I have to prove…

To you…

Why

Why

Why

Why am I the one who is stuck behind…

Wondering…

Worrying about someone

Who has made his point to erase me…

Obviously friends could never be and

For that

ONLY

Am I sorry…

Sorry…

A sorry human being for believing in someone

Who never wanted me…

Obviously.

Blinded by the idea someone out there…

Actually desired me…

Blind fool.

Well… a poly heart broken…

But I still have my primary…my family… my friends…

But why does my heart still…

Miss you?

Today I am not feeling very well, I feel sick to my stomach and I am tired. I know why I am tired but not so much why I am feeling sick. I really have no idea what is wrong with me but like every other day I am pushing along and trying to just get through it. Things are going, um well, forward to say the least. I wish I could say better but it is way too soon to tell.  I do have to clear up some confusion though about the last journal I posted, for the record that journal was NOT about my primary Jesse. Jesse and I are doing well. We still have our normal stresses like any normal married couple, but things are improving.  He still is not  working, which has me worried, but I keep believing that something will come along and he will find permanent work soon.

On Monday we met up with the “Short-Sale” guy finally. After which we went over to the old house to see if we could pick up some things and bring them to the other house.  When we got there the locks had been changed and a padlock was placed on the back gate.  We haven’t foreclosed yet, we haven’t been notified to this effect, but I guess the Mortgage Company took it upon themselves to change the locks and that was that. So of course I called the “Short-Sale” guy and informed him and he said not to worry about it, that he would take care of it. I trust him, and for the first time I actually feel like someone is in the best interest of me and my family.  I know that we cannot guarantee that the house will sell but I can just believe someone out there wants it and will buy it before it goes into auction.

Other then that, well what can I say.  As for our Poly Lifestyle, it has been slightly placed on hold.  After my falling out with my previous secondary I am not so sure if I am really ready to “hook” back up with anyone quite yet.  My heart is still very hurt about what happened and to tell you the truth, I still do care and feel for this other person… but one thing remains the same, he did hurt me and I would be dumb to fall back into that again… I do believe that some people can change, I know he can. I just miss him that’s all, and I know that is perfectly normal. But like I stressed before, I am still healing from the hurt of being called “nothing” to him, words spoken from his lips, and I really do still feel the wounds of betrayal. I am sure he feels the same about me, and I know for a fact we both view the situation as completely different, as goes with the whole he said she said shit. But like I said, one thing remains the same, his words did hurt, and they still do. So I am back to square one with feeling lost and helpless in the whole Poly Lifestyle.

The post comes with a warning…. WARNING: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR/READ ABOUT SOMEONE BITCHING ABOUT THINGS THEN YOU KNOW WHERE THE BACK BUTTON OR CLOSE BUTTON IS FOR YOUR BROWSER…. SO USE IT.

Ok am so tired of being the emotional punching bag for people who cannot deal with that fact that I am not responsible for everything bad in their life.  I try to deal with the mental abuse, and find myself dwelling on the bad feelings given to me because of a mistake they made.  Why should I have to be responsible for an adult? The only person I am responsible for besides me is my 2 year old, not some adult who obviously cannot see the gifts that have been given to him. I am not saying I am a gift, but it people in a virtual world can see that this person is having life issues, people who aren’t directly in contact with this person, hundred maybe even thousands of miles away, can clearly see it as if it slapped them in the face, then why does it hurt more when someone 20 miles away brings it to your attention. I am sorry, part of being poly is too treat your primary as your #1, not some girl you don’t even really know who doesn’t even live in the same continent. Then when things go wrong with that person, you have the balls to try to me, who I am supposed to be their real life sweetie, after promising me that they were not a replacement for the real me, and tell me that now that this girl isn’t talking to him he has nothing in the real world or his virtual one… can we say slap in the face. SO now I am nothing… gee thank you for the vote of confidence.  First off, don’t blame me for ruining your valentines, when I didn’t know what you wanted to do, then don’t tell me nothing can replace me, not even a girl on the other side of the world, and then have one day break up with her and cry to me about how you have NOTHING to live for and how you are sad.. I offered to talk to her for you, and you just went on about how you don’t know what to do and you felt like you lost everything… completely ignoring me and my offer to help. I am nothing; 3-d avatars are more real to you then the person who has been in front of you the whole time. I don’t think you should worry about the fact that some girl on the other side of the world is mad at you for one minute and realize that a young girl, in you neck of the woods had her heart crushed by someone she adored and trusted… and now has this gloom about myself, and feel like I am nothing, and never meant anything to him. Being lied to all along, you don’t care about me and you never will… fine I understand that, but don’t lie to me and expect me to understand.  You prefer the feel of cold plastic of the keyboard over a real human fine… you tell me you don’t like me in game, then that’s the same as not liking me for real… because I put a lot of myself into my character. I don’t know what else to say to you other then I am sorry I wasted your time with my presence. I didn’t point out any flaws, we all have flaws, I just said you and your wife need to work on you as a whole before you as an individual, try to bring more people into the equation. Hearing you talk about how you hate that she doesn’t like your touch, and how she is avoiding you by running off with her secondary every other weekend. Has it ever occurred to you that you are the driving force causing those who love you to leave? If that’s the attitude you carry then that’s your reality.   

Fine I am nothing… I wasn’t worth it to you and I will never be up to your standards.

Look in the mirror and see what you have become, you are not the same person I fell for months back. Look in the mirror and see what you have done to those around you. Look in the mirror and see the flaw is not you BUT how you think, there is nothing wrong with you, I think you are perfect, wonderful, a true gentleman, but new years, you blamed me, and raved about a kiss from another, valentines, the same thing…. Fine I am not good enough, I am the one that is wrong, I am the flaw, I am the mistake… believe that… I hate how I feel, I hate me… is that what you wanted.

My bad timing… my bad everything…. I am loosing my house, my husband is unemployed, my cat is missing, my car broke down, I have limited funds, I hate myself, and I am supposed to make the effort, to come to you… I am supposed to be the one to drive to see you, my house has always been open to you… your family… I wanted to invite you in, but you can’t find it in you heart to leave a cold plastic box long enough to feel the touch of a real person…

What else is there for me to offer?

I am nothing, from your lips this was spoken, and I believe it.

     1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who are you with?

      Either Shiba (my mutt) with Jesse and Kaylen, or just Jesse and Kaylen, or 
      maybe just Kaylen.

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?

Deer

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

Its ears perk up when it hears me approach.  For one moment it stares me in the eyes and then it prances away into the covers of the trees.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house. How big is it?

a Cottage, maybe big enough for 3 rooms.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

no

6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table , what is on it?

a single candle holder and tall white candle, with 4 place mats, decorated in Arabian patterns with place settings for 4.

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

a tin cup/mug

8. What do you do with the cup?

Kick it

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at a body of water what is it?

a huge lake

10. How will you cross the water?

there is row boat tied to a dock.

OKAY...DON'T LOOK UNTIL YOU ANSWER...

The ANSWERS

1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.

8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire

10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.